I am anticipating a somewhat speedier release. I’ve barely been in for a whole week into the semester (read: no classes, just lines) and  I already feel the tempered pressure mounting. Mounting. When I think about it, what I fear most is not spilling over (thus, a longer stay), but the utterly insufferable consequence of burning out. I’ve felt what it is to have your few remaining creative cells deplete due to incessant procrastinating/cramming. The output always suffers. The culprit always dives into a pit of talent/skill-based self-doubt afterward. Not a pretty swim at all. Is there any other way to work, though?

Here’s to academic survival, coffee beans, and long battery life.

what do we forge
when we forge the stars?
do we attempt to feign
the heavens’ might
or choke on ours?

Do not run, for what you scurry from
Knows not of distance, nor of speed;
Your battle advances at the chill
Of somebody’s last word,
Or in the pulse that
Aligns you to time—
Continuity—.
Rush not for hurt is never fleeting,
For though you seek, and in your seeking,
Are dictated to run,
Will never quite arrive.

March deux

• Came into PE thirty minutes late, did my drills all  over the campus instead, trying to beat a deadline. In fairness to my hamstrings!
• (Worry.)
• I didn’t have any time to eat in the morning and ran on two hours of sleep (lol college kid drama ew) but I decided to walk home. I haven’t done that in a while.
• From RMS (photocopy center ng bayan), home is only six songs and about nineteen switches away. So the distance is approximately ten songs’ worth.

March une

• Missed first class
• (Worry.)
• Impromptu lunch with my newest friend who, ironically, has been in my circle for years without the two of us ever really speaking two words to each other. Yesterday was the first and longest conversation I’ve had with him, which I just find so funny.
• Korean ice cream
• Ditched last class to “work” on my paper with Yohan
• We ended up at the back of NCAS sharing his music player and bearing embarrassing ~feels~ for an equally embarrassing song. I was about to bawl seriously lol

I think it’s going to be a shaky month. But something is telling me it’s all going to be alright, it’s all going to be worth it.

Poser delinquents stay classy.

Blew off class and am with Yohan at a coffee shop. We’re supposed to be mushing our brains for answers to quizzes right about now. But meh.

Lately I have not been sad, which is a bit strange considering the fact that not much is different in my life. To illustrate it, I would be like a flatline, throbbing every so often in abrupt, momentary stops. In spite of this unchange, I can say I am in a good place. It’s always such a great relief when I can tell myself that; I feel like I’ve achieved something worthwhile. Even though I am not completely sunshine-shooting-from-my-ass happy, I am content. (And once I have written that contentment can be something I value higher than happiness. Sometimes.)

I have been fairly well, but for people around me, I can’t say the same. Yet again I come to realize how this whole cycle works; it eats you up in large doses. It doesn’t let you off the hook the same way, though, tortuous instead of eager.

To the ones I love who’ve been feeling under, hang in there. So many people are sad, we don’t all have to make it worse for each other.

Sew:

• I look like a frog lol (keep your friends close and your fears closer)
• I just got home from doing this social experiment of sorts with my groupmates for an elective
• We had to act like conyo people around random places in Elbi and elicit people’s reactions
• I feel sleepy from the teeny (and I mean teeny) ounce of alcohol I took to be able to do it
• HI TITA PATTY
• Not only does Papu’s siomai taste horrid, it also leaves a strong smell onto your hair and fingers
• I should be off to cram like I never have before—
• But maybe I should sleep this off first.

what was it that you said,
that eve, about the sinking?
the way a fist hardens
at the beat of threat;
the way fingers crawl back
when codes are lost,
and voids unmet.
the way we fall back into
our tiny oblivions,
the moment we perceive
hands closing,
and ours have
none to catch.

• Woke up late because the weather decided to send me back to sleep—uncooperative bitch that she is. Went to my first class /sabog/ as usual, but heck. I liked it enough. We were discussing feminist sci fi.
• Got money lol
• Spent money lololol
• Sat in on my friends’ abnormal psych class for the nth time! The professor calls me “Sit In” and she put me on the spot to answer this one question. My guess turned out right and she said she’d give me an honorary 1.0
• SO FUUUN
• Went to Spec (aka Movie House) expecting Star Wars. Got Hollow Man instead. Meh
• Left to smoke with Yohan and eat half-buko buko pie
• Ambush (but not quite) quiz in Filipino. Scored nothing, probably. Cancels out my earlier a-ha moment but meh
• Went home listening to Crooked Teeth which made me oddly but purely happy.
• This qualifies as a good day. See the granola fuqs I give! :)

• Hello
• Yesterday I was in a dance studio, three floors up, and a red dragonfly flew into the room, right in front of me while I was sitting down on the cold concrete. It made me quite happy.
• I’m already a semi-delinquent in one of my subjects. I cannot be held down by something that does not interest me, and it worries me. Lol. 
• I lost an inch on my waistline, huzzah. LOL
• … Despite splurging all my would-have-been savings for last week on good Italian food on Friday, dammit
• Sayang. But it is what it is
• #vagueness
• I have to revise a poem and I don’t feel like it and it’s due on Tuesday. Writing with deadlines is hard. I can’t shit good ideas.
• A pile of oranges are rotting beside me, true story.
• Also!!! Wisdom teeth suck balls.